


Inbetween Days

by neversaydie



Series: Somewhat Damaged [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Clint and Steve are bros, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Suicide, Self-Harm, Somewhat Damaged 'verse, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:30:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're worried about me being on the roof."</p>
<p>Steve flinches a little when he says it plainly, like it's something they're not supposed to mention out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inbetween Days

**Author's Note:**

> Self-harm referenced, not explicit. Ditto suicide.

It's raining.

"You gonna come inside?"

Steve doesn't usually come after Clint at times like this, when he starts doing something that makes sense to him but has everyone else concerned. Usually it's Tasha or, these days, Bruce who follows him to wherever he's perching at that moment, checking in and making sure he's alright. Steve doesn't really know what he's doing, but Clint appreciates him trying.

"I'm good, Cap."

He tips his face up, letting the cool drops patter over his cheekbones and slide down his neck. It's raining, and the roof is his favourite place to be. His hair is soaked and cold-warm plastered to his head, helping settle the throb in his temples. Clint doesn't care about getting wet. This is the first time he's felt calm all day.

"D'you need me to get Phil, or..?"

Clint resists the urge to sigh. Steve's doing his best, he knows, so he keeps his tone neutral and not irritated when he replies.

"Contrary to popular belief, I can take care of myself." He shakes some of the water out of his hair and glances over his shoulder to take in Steve's apprehensive expression. "I'm alright Cap, honestly."

"If you're sure." But he still doesn't leave. It takes Clint a minute of awkward silence to realise what the problem is.

"You're worried about me being on the roof."

Steve flinches a little when he says it plainly, like it's something they're not supposed to mention out loud. Clint feels sour at the back of his throat and swallows the nausea down. He hadn't meant for this to happen, never wanted the team to find out the way they did. Especially not Steve, who was a veteran and a leader but still such a kid about some things. He's never encountered something like this before, something like Clint on his worst days, and the archer never meant for him to have to.

"I'm not gonna jump, Steve." He says it gently, and it kind of feels good to be the one doing the reassuring for once.

"But—"

"What you saw was an accident."

Of course it was an accident. Clint had access to an arsenal, why would he risk nerve damage and pain when he could easily eat a bullet and end it instantly? Even if it had been on purpose, he was good at his job. There's no way he'd be sitting here now with scars that still pulled and puckered as they healed if he'd actually meant to bleed out. Steve could follow that logic, he knew, but that didn't mean Clint wanted to spell it out for him.

Better some things were left unsaid.

"I'm sorry you had to see it, I didn't really know what I was doing." He tries to sound ashamed of himself, but he can't. It's not his goddamn fault his brain is his worst enemy, why should he apologise for it? "I'm fine now, you don't have to worry."

"I—" Steve goes to speak, but seems to think better of it and stops himself.

Rain trickles down Clint's neck, slips under his collar, and makes him shiver as he waits patiently for Steve to gather his thoughts. Maybe he'll get Bruce to talk to him, explain the difference between self-harm and suicide, and how Clint's brain betrays him sometimes. How he doesn't mean it, but it happens. He's worried about a lot of things when it comes to Steve, like whether or not the good Captain will decide he's not fit for duty, or stop trusting him in the field because he thinks he's unstable. He has to keep his spot on the team, it's all he's got.

Right now though, Cap and Hawkeye don't really come into it. Right now, they're just Clint and Steve, and Clint wants his friend to understand.

"Is it getting better, this thing?"

Steve sits down beside him, apparently no longer caring about the weather. He looks concerned, when Clint glances sideways at him, but not _about_ him, _for_ him. He won't admit to the lump that realisation brings to his throat.

Clint surprises himself with the honestly of his answer.

"I don't know."

"You'll tell me, if you need time or anything, right? You know I'll back you up." He's still awkward, unsure of himself, but he's doing the best he can. Clint nods, what more can he ask for? "I hope you find something that works for you."

"Me too, Cap. Me too." He smirks wryly, tipping his head back again to face the drizzle.

They're silent again, but there isn't the tension of before. There's just rain, wind, and traffic noise from the streets below. Steve pulls his legs up to sit cross-legged, glancing around the roof appraisingly.

"Mind if I sit here for a bit? It's kinda nice up here."

"If you wanna get wet." Clint shrugs.

"Thor's letting Tony try and turn Mjolnir into a remote for the Wii, I think I'm better off out here." Steve explains with a wince. And that's that, their serious discussion slips away with the rainwater and things are back to normal, or what passes for normal at the tower anyway.

Biting back a smirk, Clint leans over and puts a hand on Steve's knee, twists his face into something resembling sincerity.

"It's okay man, this is a safe space."

It takes a second for Steve to realise Clint's messing with him.

"Fuck you!"

Clint flops onto his back, cackling and almost choking on the rain that fills his mouth while Steve shoves him in the side petulantly. He doesn't know if he's getting better, if he even can, but as long as there's moments like this from time to time, he thinks he'll be okay.

He can take the highs and the lows, as long as he keeps getting the in-between days.

**Author's Note:**

> The next part in the Somewhat Damaged 'verse is the incident Steve's worried about here, so advance warning for self-harm in that part.


End file.
